Suddenly have the so much feelings penned up in me.The intention to write it all down just came to me.So here goes.
For the past week,mixed feelings can be felt throughout the week.Grief,Lost,Alone,Burdened,Comfort,Happiness,Nervous,Blissful.I was...never really a master of my emotions.Always letting my emotions and feelings getting a better of me.Maybe thats why i tend to lose out in life.Always thinking emotionally and never logically.Although he didnt really played his role well.But nevertheless I do feel grief and sorrow when he left me on monday.I wasnt really close to him knowing his deeds throughout his life repeating his mistakes again and again despite him going through painfel lessons in his life.But as i flipped through the Photo albums on a sleepless monday night.I realised that Hey..this Guy was once my father who taught me how to swim.Im trying to think here what else he taught me.Sad to say that is the only thing i can remember him ever teaching me.But there was one priceless lesson he taught me even after his passing,and that is all parents love their children no matter what,even no matter what the son/daughter do or did,In the eyes of the parents you are and always will be the apple of their eye.And i do believe that he cared for me even though he didnt really showed it to me.Maybe i and him were alike in a way,we both dont really know how to express ourselves.Or we were too shy about it.I do miss his presence in the house,Knowing his seating positions and where he will be at certain times of the day makes me look in that direction every now and then.Sometimes secretly hoping to catch a glimpse of him.Scary yes indeed.But deep down i only want him tell me "dont smoke so much" one last time.Sometimes...I wonder why did both my parents leave me..their son to fend for myself and take responsibilty for the family?.. Honestly i am not mentally prepared to go through such a task.I really really do need my mum and dad to guide me at this stage.Although i hardly have any recollections of my mum cause she passed when i was only 8.Its hard to imagine what she would say to me at this point in my life.But i would be really be contented to hear her call my name just once.ONCE.and its enough.I guess from here on its up to me.Leading the charge,And i am really thankful that i have a group of tightly knitted and wonderful friends.Although i am real sorry about throwing tantrums now and then but they still stuck with me through thick and thin.Despite my awful tantrums they stayed with me till the very end.Although i do not have parents but i have friends.. and it brings comfort to me knowing that i have them.Cheers guys!....
Maybe the stress and the feeling of being lost has motivated me to finally get the courage to make a move.I like her.I like her very much since She did something 6 months back that really made me see her in a diffrent light.But...the truth is i am and never will be good enough for her.All i can do is watch over her from afar.I regret.I really regretted not holding her tightly in my arms when she cried,Although i really wanted to hold her tightly and letting her know that i was there,But i couldnt.Instead i was shy and bashful.Letting small things like thinking how others would react or how she would react.It really makes me feel ashamed of myself.Now..what i can do is despite her stress level at work i would really love to see her smile.What i wouldnt give to see her face when she first opened it.Haha.It must have been quite a sight =).She keeps things to herself which i normally do,But only she is better at it than i.Sometimes i wish she would open up more.Not exactly to me.although i hope she does.but to anyone else as well.at least people know what is bothering her.Sometimes i wish things werent so awkward between us despite her knowing it.Or maybe its me thats making things awkward...Honestly i do not know.Haha.Sad to say that i only have the courage to speak freely when i SMS her.but quite demoralising to know that she wants to sleep everytime when we are smsing..-_-"...haha...But..Seriously..i know she is diffrent from any other girls outside and she really made me see her in a diffrent light.emotionally i sometimes wish that things were better between us but logically things are nice and fine now.Hope i dont do something embarassing.i finally feel better after writing down all these true feelings ive felt for the past week.Thank u all for reading.=D..goodnite!
A PICTURE PAINTS A THOUSAND WORDS